I felt that something was a little bit off today. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. Hadn't heard from my husband today so after my class at work I called him and when he answered I asked him if he was okay and in almost a whisper....he said no. I so badly wanted to know what was up but he couldn't talk at that moment and promised to talk with me later today. Time came and went and he sent me some schedule updates a few hours later and I asked again and he simply said no he was not okay and promised to tell me later.

When you love someone so much you can feel when they are hurting or struggling and you hurt and struggle with them. You so desparately want to make all the hurt disappear for them and many times no matter what you do....you just can't. They have to walk through it. The only one that can heal that hurt is God. It is a helpless feeling when you know they are hurting and you don't even know the situation but one thing you do know is that you need to pray. I prayed after that first phone call. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God knows the situation and he was on the scene before I even prayed because I know that my hubby had prayed. These are the times when you need to trust God that He is watching out for the one you love and that He loves them and knows what is best at the moment and that God's Will is the best prayer.

Then I received this in an email from my hubby:


I Died a Little Death Today


I died a little death today
A slow and painful little left in me
Till it slowly painfully sucked the life out of me


As I breathed and gasped by breaths last rattle
Till I gave up the fight without losing the battle
To breath into your child the breath of new air
And see it dissipate like on the wings of “I don’t care”


I died this death today
That nobody really noticed
A death so cruel that
There were no witnesses around to give a description to the provost
See when you live in the life where hope is negotiable
Where it leaves the stains of injustice on your heart
And your body immobile

Sometimes you have to gave away your voice
So that you can find sweet relief
Because the pain is so painful
That it is torture just to breath

When you pour your all into something
And give it a chance at life
It kills when the thoughts of losing cut deeply like a dull knife

But yet I will rise when the crowd has moved away
And the thoughts of who you are and thought you were are put on display

I died this death today
And I held a funeral in my honor
Listen to eulogy of what I am saying

Sit back and ponder
That the voice of one silent in the heat of the moment
Has lost his voice to neutrality
And serves as a warning to those condolent

-written by my hubby

At this point the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Carry You To Jesus" starting playing in my head and I knew that praying for him was definitely the best thing and I reminded myself of the truth of God's Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I trust that He has my husbands back no matter what is going on and I will not let my flesh and my emotions start to fret. That is exactly what the enemy would want. I trust in the Lord with all that I am and I know His Will is going to be done.