Frustrated

Have you ever been preparing for something in your life that you are excited about and another person involved says some things that really try to take the air out of your sail? It is especially frustrating when you are doing something to honor the Lord!

These are the moments that initially cause me to maybe...wish I would not have gotten involved....or tell them that we could just pull out of the event if that would make them happy. Of course, that is not the RIGHT thing to do. That is my pride and probably the enemy trying to feed it!

These are the moments I need to remember who I am in Christ. My relationship with Christ does not have to be the way someone else says it should be or like their relationship with Him. My relationship is mine and as long as I am going about it the way that Christ wants me to then I am doing things right. I need to remember that Christ meets everyone where they are.

God made us all unique and there are gifts that I have and a personality that I have that He is using to reach a certain group of people. If I was like others it would get in the way of God's purpose for me. We are all called to do certain things in the body of Christ and if we do not embrace the way God has made us and walk in our gifts....we could actually hold other people back and/or God will use someone else to do His work.

Bottom line.....I am not going to allow someone else to make me feel less than who I really am. I don't need to yell at this person or be upset or say something mean back at them. God knows the situation and I just need to keep my eyes on Him and HE will deal with people like this. As long as I am drawn toward God in these situations and I don't get distracted and caught up in my feelings.....it will be okay.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
- Psalm 139:14-16

Struggling in the Pit!

Question: Do you ever wonder sometimes how God can use you when you feel like you are out of control?

It is interesting how when I get to the point where I am feeling like I just can't get out of the pit I am in God will place someone before me that He is wanting to help through me. He draws the attention off of me and puts it on Him and on the needs of this other person. I will sit down to meet with someone and be tired and feeling like I am going to struggle through the meeting and God will start to work through me and give me the energy that I need.

I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

I have been struggling so much the past week or two that when I stop and look back to what I have done it feels like I have taken 5 steps backward. I have lost my focus. The entanglements of the world have crept in quietly and before I knew it they totally took my time and focus!

For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever. -1 John 2:16-17

I am definately having issues with the lust of the flesh right now with my eating. I am not sure what is going on but I need to be focused on God to push through this! I have to be intentional about it! It is not that I have not been here before and had God pull me out of it. He has....and I know that He is here with me....just waiting for me to stop my whining and complaining and take just one step in the right direction so that I can take His hand and He will lead me out of this mess I have made and into the promises and direction that He has for me!

Bottomless Pit :(

I had a wonderful weekend, other than, I ate and ate and ate the whole weekend it seemed like. I had a meeting on Saturday morning which I had to attend without my cutie (my husband). I was not excited about this fact but I went through the Dunn Bros drive through and picked up a coffee and a yogurt parfait and it was very delicious! In fact, I had to swing back by on Sunday and get another one! We ate Subway on Saturday for a quick meal before we had to go back to church and finish choreographing one of the dances for our Easter program. Of course, since we would be working hard I made sure that I got a footlong AND chips ya know! For supper we ate a salad and fruit but I had to have a chaser of jalepeno cheetos while we played Scrabble :) Sunday we did the Subway routine again and I had the same meal that I did on Saturday. When we got home I had a bowl of ice cream and then needed something salty so I ran out and grabbed a big bag of chips that I just about finished that night. Then my cutie ordered pizza and I ate some of that. What is wrong with me? If you ask my hubby he would say that maybe I should take a pregnancy test LOL. Highly doubtful I am pregnant but that would make for a good excuse right?

I need to get this under control.....right? I crave all the wrong things! I did get some working out in over the weekend but not enough to cover all the calories I ate. I can feel that I have dropped back into the "eating without thinking" zone. I don't want to be there. I need to step out of that and into eating healthy and taking care of my body. I am not getting any younger! Summer is right around the corner and that means short sleeved shirts that I dread so I need to get on the stick and get working out!

Lord Help ME!

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. Phil 4:13 AMP

Walking ....and walking.....and then sweating.

Yesterday I was thinking that I was going to be working about 45 minutes later than usual so I told my hubby that he should just call me when he gets done with track practice and I should be ready by that time and he can pick me up.

Reality was.....I ended up NOT working late. It was a gorgeous day and I felt some motivation to go for a walk so I thought.....I will just start walking and wherever I end up my hubby will call me and I will just tell him where I am and he can pick me up. Of course I couldn't just leave it at that....I wanted a destination in mind so I decided to at least aim for Dunn Bros.

It felt sooo good to walk and as I walked I was able to get on the bike trail that goes along the river and I was able to enjoy the lovely brown grass but it was still beautiful. I love scenary and the water and hearing the sounds of nature. (I did all this without headphones on which is unusual for me). As I got closer to my destination I started to feel a little winded but I could see that I was making progress. I came upon a part of the trail that was not paved but had seen runners on this trail so I knew there was an actual trail there. As I walked I took in all the sites and enjoyed the fresh air. It took me back to about a year ago when I started my lifestyle change with my weight and exercising. It felt so good!

I don't know about you but working out for me does not always feel good.....at least not until you are done and on the road to recovery anyway :) I started to think about my journey and God reminded me that I need to find ways to enjoy my journey and not just be looking to the end result. He actually gave me this revelation last year as I was on a walk and he brought that back as a reminder for me. I am not going to continue my journey if I do not enjoy some of the scenery and stop trying to get to the end so fast.

As I got closer to my destination yesterday I started really feeling the toll it was taking and I could feel that I was breathing heavier and though I could see the end I was tired. I finally made it up the hill to where I cross over the bridge....whew! I walked into Dunn Bros and ordered a strawberry lemonade (I know I know....probably not the best choice after a workout) and I sat down to wait for my hubby. The next thing I know I am sweating like crazy! Funny how as you work out, especially outside, you don't feel the sweat until you stop moving. Maybe I was moving so fast that it couldn't catch up to me until I sat down (interesting cartoon pic).

Bottom line.....I spent some quiet time with the Lord and in thought of how beautiful his creation is and I listened and received what He was trying to communicate AND I got a workout in. Can't beat that!

Thoughts

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say....and yet....you just don't even know where to begin? That is where I am right now. I have so much that I want to write and I am just trying to formulate my thoughts into some sort of order and it doesn't seem to be working. It is almost as if I am not supposed to talk about any one topic. So....I guess this will be a few random thoughts. I shouldn't even care since I do not even have anyone following this blog anyway right? This is just an outlet for me to put down some of my thoughts and feelings etc. Maybe some day there may be people that actually read this but for now......it's just me :)

Some random thoughts:

Missing my hubby...he is away for a few days :( Is he having fun?

What are my dreams for the future? Do I even know?

You cannot complain about what you allow.........

Am I insecure? In certain areas yes.....and to what degree?

Something that touched me deeply exactly when I needed it.........

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,

"I'll get you out of any trouble.

I'll give you the best of care

if you'll only get to know and trust me.

Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;

I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.

I'll give you a long life,

give you a long drink of salvation!"

- Psalm 91:14-16 MSG

Am I doing what God wants me to do? Do I listen to hear his voice?

Who, other than my hubby, is a true friend that I can trust?.....Anyone?

I am totally smitten with Jesus............

Are there certain people I should be spending more time with? People I should spend less time with?

I am hungry.....or am I?

I miss bible camp.....feeling so close to God for a week and then going home.......standing on the pews and singing camp songs at the top of our lungs....swimming in the lake (thinking it was funny that I needed to do the swim test each summer even though I was a good swimmer)....going to the canteen during quiet time and getting some candy and chips.....playing underground worship and having to crawl on the ground in the wet grass trying not to get caught........hanging with Joe, Lois, Brad, Sara, and Dawn, we were quite the crew.......backrubs.....sitting around and talking about anything and everything.......campfires (I hate rabbits I hate rabbits and the smoke still comes to me).

I want to be able to go with the flow and not get frustrated so often......keep my peace :)

Do my kids think I am a good mom? Do I give them what they really need? Can they see Jesus in me?

Am I content being a grandma and not having another baby?

Okay.....so if you made it this far.........I am praying for you LOL. I know I know......and these were just a few of the thoughts that went through my mind. Can you imagine if I really wrote all my thoughts down? Scary.

I felt that something was a little bit off today. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. Hadn't heard from my husband today so after my class at work I called him and when he answered I asked him if he was okay and in almost a whisper....he said no. I so badly wanted to know what was up but he couldn't talk at that moment and promised to talk with me later today. Time came and went and he sent me some schedule updates a few hours later and I asked again and he simply said no he was not okay and promised to tell me later.

When you love someone so much you can feel when they are hurting or struggling and you hurt and struggle with them. You so desparately want to make all the hurt disappear for them and many times no matter what you do....you just can't. They have to walk through it. The only one that can heal that hurt is God. It is a helpless feeling when you know they are hurting and you don't even know the situation but one thing you do know is that you need to pray. I prayed after that first phone call. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God knows the situation and he was on the scene before I even prayed because I know that my hubby had prayed. These are the times when you need to trust God that He is watching out for the one you love and that He loves them and knows what is best at the moment and that God's Will is the best prayer.

Then I received this in an email from my hubby:


I Died a Little Death Today


I died a little death today
A slow and painful little left in me
Till it slowly painfully sucked the life out of me


As I breathed and gasped by breaths last rattle
Till I gave up the fight without losing the battle
To breath into your child the breath of new air
And see it dissipate like on the wings of “I don’t care”


I died this death today
That nobody really noticed
A death so cruel that
There were no witnesses around to give a description to the provost
See when you live in the life where hope is negotiable
Where it leaves the stains of injustice on your heart
And your body immobile

Sometimes you have to gave away your voice
So that you can find sweet relief
Because the pain is so painful
That it is torture just to breath

When you pour your all into something
And give it a chance at life
It kills when the thoughts of losing cut deeply like a dull knife

But yet I will rise when the crowd has moved away
And the thoughts of who you are and thought you were are put on display

I died this death today
And I held a funeral in my honor
Listen to eulogy of what I am saying

Sit back and ponder
That the voice of one silent in the heat of the moment
Has lost his voice to neutrality
And serves as a warning to those condolent

-written by my hubby

At this point the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Carry You To Jesus" starting playing in my head and I knew that praying for him was definitely the best thing and I reminded myself of the truth of God's Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I trust that He has my husbands back no matter what is going on and I will not let my flesh and my emotions start to fret. That is exactly what the enemy would want. I trust in the Lord with all that I am and I know His Will is going to be done.

Awakened

The sun is shining this morning and I feel like Spring is just around the corner. I feel as though I have been asleep for a few months and almost lying dormant. With the melting of the snow I have been awakened and can break through the light crust of dirt and just every day life that I have allowed to rest on top of me holding me down.

I have struggled the past few months with business....or actually that is my excuse for not doing what I should be doing. I have not felt like actually DOING anything really. Working out.....nah...too tired or I have to go to a meeting or whatever else I can think of as an excuse. Everything was just feeling like it took soo much extra effort and so I just didn't do it. Not sure if that would be categorized as winter depression or seasonal depression. I just call it laziness really.

Here is the reality for me right now....I need to get back on track with eating healthy and exercising. I have one month to get myself together and lose any weight that I have gained. I have to weigh in and have a treadmill test etc. Last fall I was doing so well and I was on track and so much so that I had two different groups ask me to speak to their folks about weight loss and having a positive attitude and just talk about how I was able to do it. Looking at myself today I feel like I am failing at all the things that helped me to be successful that I should go back and watch a video of what I said so that I can motivate myself. Go figure. Isn't that the way it works sometimes?

I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem right? Okay......I have a problem with eating.....and I have a problem with staying active and focusing on my health. There.....I said it! Now I know that I need to give this over to God.

A word came forth at church on Sunday that said that God is lifting the heaviness that has been upon us and that we should cast off our burdens onto God. God....I give these issues that I am having to you and I ask you to help me! I cannot do this without you! Forgive me for not doing the things that you have encouraged me to do and not accepting the help that you have offered along the way. I know that you have been there through it all and I do not always reach out. Please forgive me and help me to turn around and go the way that you want me to go!

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22